So I’ve been going through a pretty shitty time lately.
I’m THIS CLOSE to graduation, and even though 99% of the time I’ll tell you that I just can’t wait to be away from the place, I’m lying. I’ll miss the structure, knowing exactly what I’m meant to be doing day-by-day, and playing the grown-up without the actual responsibilities that come along with it (what even are taxes?). Of course, I’ll also miss not seeing the crazy bitches that I’ve met here every day. Big up to my chicks.
Truth be told, I’m scared. Beyond that actually – I’m terrified to the point where I lie awake hours after I’ve officially ‘gone to bed’ thinking thinking thinking about what my future holds, and knowing absolutely nothing for sure. It’s an abyss. It’s an actual gaping abyss and I feel like I’m drowning. I’ve been so busy getting everything just right for my dissertation that I haven’t stopped to look around at everything else that’s going on around me.
Yesterday I made a pretty big decision. I’ve decided to drop my exams – this means that I’ll still graduate, but won’t have the extra credentials that will no doubt make me more employable. By a long shot, I’m not the first person on my course to do this. I’m ashamed to admit that when people have told me they’ve taken this decision, I’ve nodded and smiled but internally screamed “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? THIS IS YOUR FUTURE. SORT IT OUT PET!”
Then I was told that yesterday at 5P.M was my last chance to sign up for these exams, and I felt like I’d been winded. I was not ready for this. I knew that I didn’t have time to do the necessary revision to pass these exams, and I’d be paying a few hundred pounds in the process to take them. I knew in my heart that dropping them to concentrate on my other work was the right thing to do, but that doesn’t mean that I’m happy about it.
I’ve always had this mindset that I wanted to be That Girl. I’ve always had a picture of my future-self in my head, diploma in hand, ready to take on the world with a can-do attitude. The type of person that can take on mountains without a second thought – that worked hard, sure, but never let the stress get to her because PFFT – I’ve got this!
Except I don’t really, do I? I don’t ‘got’ anything, and I was proving this to myself by dropping these exams. I’d lost the battle, and I felt ashamed of myself. I’d completely let myself down and everyone else who just assumed I could do it because, well why not? Other people manage!
I’m pretty sure that everyone can relate to this, at least in some way. Nobody wants to fail, whether it’s an exam, a promotion at work, or ending a relationship. We’ve all got stories where we felt like we just weren’t good enough.
But I’ve thought about it a lot (frankly, I’ve thought about nothing else) and I’ve realised something. I am not Superwoman. I KNOW that this was the right decision for me, and I know myself enough to know that I’ll get over this bump – I’ll do my exams after I’ve graduated, and I’ll pass them when I’m ready.
Speaking to my friends who are in various points of this situation too, I actually feel relieved. Feeling like a massive weight has been lifted off my shoulders has gave me a new lease on life, and I’m ready to go back to my normal hard-working self.
Making decisions that are right for us is not letting others down- it’s allowing yourself space to do what you know you can, and do it well.
And it’s times like this, when I’m writing from the heart about (and not because my journalism tutor told me to), that I realise that I AM on the right path, because I’m striving to do what I’ve always loved.
I will be successful, because I wouldn’t allow anything less.