Star Wars Explained By Someone Who’s Never Seen It

How hard can it be, really?


I understand that the opening scene is words flying through the galaxy, thanks solely to Family Guy’s spoof. It’s explaining that this story is set thousands of years in the future, in a galaxy far, far away (that’s a Star Wars thing, right?).
After that we’re in a desert, panning, until we see our main character on his way to start the… mission. It’s Han Solo or Luke Skywalker, which until last year I thought were the same person.

They go to ‘base’ inside of their spaceship where a meeting is being held about the upcoming space-war. Just typical war-planning stuff really – who’ll do what, where everyone needs to be, what kind of space-weapons will be used. The usual.
Suddenly(!) one of the side characters enters. It’s the hairy one called Wookie, or the R2D2 computer person. He has an important announcement for the crew. Princess Leia, the most beautiful and only woman in the galaxy/movie has been kidnapped by the baddie DARTH VADER (btw, who is the Darth Vader character with the red face? Are they the same person? Is that red face under the mask? He kind of looks like the demon from Insidious).

Luke, Hans and the other space warriors get their heads together and try to formulate a plan to rescue her. One of them reveals that the only way to defeat Darth is to use… tHe FoRcE. Only one person in the galaxy knows how to use the force, and he’s a weird hybrid-troll-pickle called Yoda.

Star Wars Explained By Someone Who's Never Seen It

Condescending pickle Credit:

They play rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to go and learn… tHe FoRcE, and Luke wins, but it’s implied by the shocked look of the elders that “it’s not going to be easy, silly and naive boy”.

Luke travels to Yoda’s shack and probably meets some turbulence on the way, maybe those bear things. He escapes, but only just.

On arriving at Yoda’s pad, Luke needs to convince Yoda to teach him… tHe FoRcE, and gets pissy because Yoda’s on his high horse and thinks he’s the best thing in the galaxy, and Luke doesn’t have what it takes to succeed. Luke makes a sad speech about how he never knew his father and he only wants to prove himself and like, BECOME somebody, y’know? And Yoda smiles and it cracks his ol’ green face, followed by a cool training montage (much like Rocky but with more levitation and weird yoga). After a successful session, he is rewarded by a glowing stick that chops people’s hands off. I think Yoda dies at some point actually?


Look at him. He is so ready for this.

Luke calls his team on the hologram and fills them in that he’s now a BTEC Jedi and they’re ready to go. They meet up and storm the spaceship with Leia and the bad guys are on, and there’s an epic battle scene where they kill Storm Troopers(?) and some of those bear-things. Someone says “LUKE! GO SAVE LEIA! WE’VE GOT THIS!” and Luke sneaks into a side-room and makes his way up to the communal room where Darth’s chilling out, convinced that these puny humans don’t stand a chance against his army of shit bags. Needless to say, he spits out his space-tea when Luke enters.
They do the talk thing, which is such a cliché in films, because you spend all this time dicking about ‘explaining’ why you want world(/galaxy) domination, and in that time you could’ve just killed him and it would be over by now. He sees that Luke has mad potential and asks him to join ‘the dark side’ and Luke says no because he is such a good male lead.


Star Wars Explained By Someone Who's Never Seen It

Pew, pew, pa pew!

I’m pretty sure that Luke loses a hand at some point, but for some reason keeps fighting because y’know, it probably doesn’t hurt that much. Finally, he has Darth in a headlock over a gorge, because whoever designed this spaceship obviously never heard of health and safety hazards. Darth yells ‘WAIT!’ and tells Luke that he’s his father. Luke says ‘Nooooooooooooo’ and falls to his knees. This gives Darth an inning, and he’s able to escape death.

Luke eventually realises that this is not the time to have a bitch fit and shit needs done. He gets up and goes to rescue Leia, who’s in a cell in a gold bikini. She’s so happy that she kisses Luke, even though this is the first time she’s ever met him and how does she know he’s not already in a relationship? Hussy.

They escape and all is well in the world. Later on, back at good-guy HQ they’re having a BBQ and discussing their epic win. Luke and Leia are sitting near the fire, sharing a blanket and looking all cutesie. Leia’s telling him a story about that time she went to Disney Land with her dad, and Luke’s all ‘so what does your dad do?’ and she says ‘oh he’s like, the dark guardian of the galaxy. What does yours do?’ and Luke’s face goes a pukey shade of white, and he gulps. And SCENE.

Oh wait, there’s also the gold guy.

There he is.

How did I do?


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