What’s your situation?
You’ve just graduated uni, and it’s time to join the ‘real world’ of employment?
You’ve found yourself suddenly unemployed and need to get back into the game ASAP?
Maybe you needed a change, and you quit your job so you can get, as Joey Tribbiani would call ‘the fear’?
Whatever your unemployment situation, we all know that after the initial week of lazing around and eating cereal straight out of the box, it gets boring pretty fast. Sure, it’s great to eventually have time to yourself and be alone with your thoughts after so long, but you will come to realize that, honestly, you don’t have that many thoughts to begin with. Your rainy-day fund is running scarily low, because instead of rain, every day is a shit-storm that hemorrhages money.
Before long, you’ll find yourself reminiscing about having a reason to shower or put on pants… and then the job hunt starts.
You’re feeling pretty positive. You spend a few hours updating your CV, including all of the great new things you’ve learned from your last position. It’s a shining success. You are so ready.
This is your chance to change your life. You can find a job that makes you happy to wake up in the morning. You only search for jobs that fit the bill, and you’re feeling positive as you fire off cover letter after cover letter.
Time passes, and nobody seems to realize that you’re just the candidate they’re looking for. Are they blind? It’s all right there on paper. Their loss *shrugs*.
Maybe you’re not as good as you first assumed? Surely if you were, employers would be jumping at the chance to take you under their employment wing. Maybe this isn’t going to be as easy as you thought…
Okay, so it’s been a week or so and you’ve heard basically nothing back from anyone. It’s probably time to stop being so picky (beggars can’t be choosers and all that). You start applying for anything you’re slightly interested in. This is a bit of a step down, but SURELY broadening your horizons means that you’re more likely to get lucky?
What the fricking hell? You’ll start thinking that maybe there’s a problem with your email or telephone, because there’s no way people could possibly be this ignorant. As ABBA once said, ‘take a chance, take a chance, take a chachachance chance on me”.
Monster Jobs, Direct Gov, Total Jobs, CV Library, the list goes on. You sign up for them all. Then they make your life a literal living hell, with emails popping into your inbox at all hours/minutes/seconds of the day. Your heart will do a somersault every time you hear the familiar ‘ping’ on a new email, sure that it’s someone asking you to come in for an interview. But, no. It’s ANOTHER email offering stuff you don’t care for or need, because the people who run these websites are evil and want to break you. LEAVE ME ALONE.
After weeks of being blatantly ignored and feeling like you’re the sheer scum on the shoe of the world of employment, someone throws you a bone: you’ve got an interview! You spend hours researching the company and picking out the perfect ‘hire me’ outfit. You’ve got this in the bag!
It’s like word-vomit, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it flowing out like unemployable sewage. Your hands are sweating, and you know you’re going to have to do the hand-shake when you leave. You know for a fact that they’ll call you ‘sweaty hands’ and laugh and laugh then call you and say: “we’ve decided to go another way’.
More applying. More pointless emails. More hating your life, More waking up at noon and binge-watching Gilmore Girls until you feel like you’ve lost the will to live. What a great time to be alive.
There’s only so many times life can crap on you, so stay positive and know that this can’t last forever. If you stick at it, it WILL get better. Once again, you’ll have a reason to put on pants. Well, I mean probably. What am I? A fortune teller?
What stage are you at? Let me know in the comments below, or on Twitter at @dimmickhead!