Put down the chick-flick, it’s time to know what men REALLY think about.
For as far back as it goes, women have been dubbed the ‘hard to read’ sex, but in reality it’s just as much of a minefield trying to work out the inner-workings of your man. We sat down with five men from all walks of life for a brainstorming session.
This is what we’ve learned:
MEET OUR MEN:
JAMIE MITCHELL* is 22, and works as a drivers aid. He’s in a five year relationship.
* Names have been changed as to not completely infuriate his other half.
SAM HALL is a 21-year-old sports journalist and a self-confessed hopeless romantic.
ADAM MCKEE is a 20-year-old student and has been with his girlfriend for six months.
* Name has not been changed because apparently he likes the doghouse.
JASON MOSS is 21 and works as an usher. He’s been in a relationship for a year.
* See above.
Q: Why play games if you like us?
DAVE: It’s a massive waste of time. Truth is, if a lad’s playing games he’s probably waiting for something better to come along… sorry.
JAMIE: As the old saying goes, treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen.
SAM: I’m usually pretty open with my feelings, there are times when I have done this and it’s been on bad advice from media outlets and sleazy ‘lad’ sites (who, annoyingly, seem to be doing better than me!).
ADAM: Mind games are boring, it’s not my style.
JASON: I think I’m always the game actually. The chase is more fun!
Q: Do you remember what I was wearing when we first met?
DAVE: If you were showing cleavage, I’ll remember.
JAMIE: I can remember, and my GF confirms it. Well done, me.
SAM: I remember little things – what the weather was like or how I felt the first time I seen them.
ADAM: Most likely, no.
JASON: I’m awful with memory. Probably clothes though, right?
Q: How often do you look at porn when your girlfriend isn’t home?
DAVE: Around three times a week. If I’m in a relationship, hardly ever.
JAMIE: Just once or twice a month. Don’t tell my girlfriend.
SAM: Only occasionally. If I’m honest it’s not something that I’ve ever been proud of, and I’ve always found it a bit uncomfortable.
ADAM: It used to be a lot, but it’s very rare now.
Q: What’s going through your head when we’re annoyed with you?
DAVE: How long is this going to last? What can I do to fix it? WHAT DID I EVEN DO?
JAMIE: ‘Bloody hell, not this again!’
SAM: Usually I’m just wanting it to end, though I think arguing can be a healthy sign of passion.
ADAM: Anything but the argument. Nine times out of ten, it’s for no reason at all. She just needs to get it out of her system.
JASON: ‘What now? I can’t wait until this is over. I need a beer’.
Q: Does your mum like me? Do you even care?
DAVE: Sure I care. You should only have two women in your life, so it’s best that they get on.
JAMIE: Yes, it makes for an easier life.
SAM: Of course. You should always listen to your mum. Well, to an extent.
ADAM: My mum’s liked all of my girlfriends. She has good taste.
JASON: Sure, but they’re as crazy as each other so they make good company.
Q: Why do long term relationships = the end of fun?
DAVE: For me, it’s the start of fun!
JAMIE: I guess because you have less time to spend with your mates.
SAM: I don’t think it needs to. It depends on whether you’re both secure and confident with each other.
ADAM: It doesn’t at all. If it’s the end of fun, you’re with the wrong person.
JASON: I think it’s scary to settle. Plus there’s a lack of free time.
Q: Do you have a hard time if she’s more successful financially?
DAVE: No, I’d be happy for my partners success. If you’re having issues with this, it’s more your problem than hers.
JAMIE: No, she is already!
SAM: Not really. If we’re both professionally fulfilled there’s no need to worry about who’s more financially superior.
ADAM: Nope, as long as she bought me lots of treats.
JASON: Never, success is always good.
Q: What does it feel like to fall in love?
DAVE: Everything is great, like you’re a kid with a Kinder Egg.
JAMIE: It’s like a weird, warm feeling. That sounds really cheesy, doesn’t it?
SAM: It’s confusing. It’s just an overwhelming need to care for someone.
ADAM: I can’t say I’ve ever been in love properly. * I’m sure your GF will be thrilled to hear this, Adam.
Q: Why do you take so long pooping. What the hell are you doing in there?
DAVE: I personally have about six poo’s a day, so I like to chill out. Reading the news on my phone helps with the process.
JAMIE: I like to have a good look on Facebook. Catch up with the goings on.
SAM: Toilet time is time to catch up with everything.
ADAM: Honestly, it’s easy to forget that you’re pooping.
JASON: I actually don’t. With the smell and all I’m out as quick as possible.
Q: How can you have the same pair of shoes for so long?
DAVE: If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.
JAMIE: Because we’ve got a better idea of what’s hard-wearing.
SAM: Honestly? I can’t be bothered to go shopping for a new pair.
ADAM: I don’t really care about my shoes. If they’re comfy, I’m good.
JASON: Unlike you, we don’t need a shoe for every day of the week.
Q: Why do you touch yourself so much?
DAVE: I must be the only lad that doesn’t do this. I see it a lot, then they eat with the same hand. #Sick.
JAMIE: It’s a natural instinct. Like breathing.
SAM: I like to make sure they’re int he same place as I last checked. Plus, you should check them often anyway, right? * Yeah Sam, not that often.
ADAM: It’s not like I do it on purpose. It’s just the perfect resting spot.
JASON: Total instinct. It’s just like ‘wup, there they are again!’.
Q: Would it really kill you to put down the toilet seat?
DAVE: I like to leave mine down. It’s nice to treat yourself to a sit-down wee sometimes.
JAMIE: No, but I still won’t do it.
SAM: I’ve lived with girls at uni for two years. I wouldn’t have gotten away with this!
ADAM: Question for the feminists: Why can’t YOU leave the seat UP? * It’s less feminism, more my desire to not fall down the bog in the middle of the night.
JASON: Seat up = no pee on the seat. It’s a win, win.
Q: What does being kicked in the balls really feel like?
DAVE: Imagine being winded, impaled, struck by lightening and needing to be sick at the same time. Times it by ten.
JAMIE: I don’t want to talk about it.
SAM: It makes you dizzy and shivery. It’s awful.
ADAM: Death would be preferable.
JASON: It like, moves through you.
Q: Why won’t you ask for directions?
DAVE: REAL MEN KNOW THE WAY, OKAY?!?!
JAMIE: What Dave said.
SAM: I guess that I don’t like talking to strangers. I don’t buy that it’s an ego thing.
ADAM: I’ll happily ask for directions over being late.
JASON: We are walking Sat-Nav’s. Let no more be said.
Q: What percentage of your female friends do you want to sleep with?
DAVE: A good 60%. Friend-zoning is the worst.
JAMIE: Zero. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
SAM: I don’t actually think I do… I mean they’re attractive and all, but I’ve never thought about it. Maybe 10%?
ADAM: NONE! * No need to shout.
JASON: -10%. I don’t have any girl friends I can imagine doing that with.
Q: Why are you so convinced that sex is so much more important for you than it is for us?
DAVE: It really is true that men think with their dicks. Chances are, we actually do think about it more than you. It’s constant. CONSTANT.
JAMIE: This isn’t the case for me at all. My GF’s libido is way higher than mine!
SAM: This is where my inner-Drake comes out. I’m probably less fussed than most women. I may talk a big game, but it’s almost a construct of the society we live in.
ADAM: Girls are as horny, if not MORE horny than guys.
JASON: Once you get into it, girls are worse.
Q: Why do you want to stick it in our butt so much? Do you know that’s where we poop?
DAVE: Eurgh! No, thank you.
JAMIE: I don’t know. It feels nice. What’s more to say?
SAM: I don’t think I’d care about it unless my partner did.
ADAM: As a kid, you always wanted to touch things that you weren’t allowed to. Same rule applies.
JASON: Exactly! It’s forbidden fruit.
So, what have we learned today ladies? Whether this Men’s Minds has shocked you, or simply confirmed what you already suspected, there’s no denying that the inner-workings of the opposite sex will continue to baffle us for many years to come. The good news? They seem just as clueless as we are.